Reflecting the Patterns of Life

The other day, Gav asked a series of questions on Comparative Tarot about how we use tarot. One of them was what role tarot plays in our spiritual practice. Being an agnostic, this is an interesting question for me, as I am open to exploring all things but reserve judgment on how things actually work :) Still, I have a personal story to tell that I think illustrates the value of tarot on a very fundamental level, and I hope you will find it illuminating.

My family has hereditary migraines, of varying degrees of severity. My mom had them most every day when I was growing up, and over time, mine increased in frequency. There came a day 6 or 7 years ago when I had a continuous migraine - I remember well the day it started, and it just never went away. It was diagnosed by the neurologist as "intractable" :D  Yep, I'll go along with that!

The first year or so, I was reluctant to go on any of the heavy-duty medications. I wanted to try everything else - yoga, elimination diet, vitamin and mineral therapies (not as crazy as it sounds) - anything to avoid medicines that my family is aware can be harmful to the organs over time. So, I lived with the migraine that whole time, with no relief. I couldn't leave the house much, work, surf the internet, or even really read due to the crazy, constant visual disturbances.

Needless to say, I got a little (well really very) depressed. I worried that I would never be able to work again, have a social life - the inability to even read was a real blow. My husband, being a dyed in the wool atheist, was no real comfort in a spiritual sense, other than validating what I was going through and taking care of me. I asked him one night - what would be the point of living, if you had to do it in this much pain and could never contribute anything? He couldn't answer. We both realized that being religious or spiritual would have been a great comfort in that moment, but neither of us could go there without true belief.

So, I spent a lot of time pondering this. Initially, being an avid reader, I found the most comfort in literature I had read about the dark night of the soul - Dostoevsky, Conrad, others. I had never really understood it before; I think this is one of those things you really have to experience.

At the same time, I had been studying and teaching tarot, and it dawned on me that this was a Tower experience. Every structure in my life was being torn down - by a lightning bolt to the head, no less (migraines are actually electrical phenomena). I thought long and hard about how the Tower leads to the Star, and from there, the long road of recovery through the Moon.  (It's no coincidence that my website is named TarotMoon and for many years after I found a medication that worked, I walked the long dark path under the Moon.)

I thought about AA, and how similar that experience is, where one's life comes crashing down, and you put yourself in the hands of a higher power. I thought about depression literature, which reaffirms that even when you can't feel any possibility of light at the end of the tunnel in your heart - if you keep trying and going through the motions, eventually you emerge from the dark night.

It was then I realized how literally tarot mirrors the patterns of life, and what comfort it can bring, even when hope is lost and there is no belief in a higher power to fall back on. Because I knew that the Star would come, I could keep going. It showed me exactly where I was standing - on the dark side of the Moon, in the dark night of the soul. It gave me the context I needed to survive and understand the experience.

I have now moved on in life in many ways, and almost everything has changed. I still have that blasted migraine :) but it's kept largely under control with a modern miracle drug that has changed my life. When I emerged from this experience I looked around and realized there were a lot of other things about my life that needed changing - perhaps a sudden understanding that life is not to be walked through without seeing and without living. Judgment ensued, followed by a new path. Now I feel i am walking in a combination of the World and the Fool - more whole than ever, but also walking down many new roads, no idea yet where they will lead but enjoying the journey :)

So how does tarot inform my spiritual practice?  Tarot is a template for life. Its patterns and cycles are the patterns and cycles of life - not in some abstract, conceptual form - but as we truly live it. Its congruence with literature and science and philosophical/religious concepts are testimony to its truths. It brings me comfort through the worst and helps me celebrate the best of life.

Comments

[Janet]

Beautiful post, Teresa. I resonate...

[Joanna]

What a thoughtful and heartfelt essay, Teresa. It's stayed with me for a couple of days. There's so many different ways to approach the Tarot but for me, it's all about the spiritual practice. I'm so glad you've found a way to manage your migraines, too!

[Bonnie C ehovet]

Teresa:

Thank you for sharing. It takes courage to release our life stories.

Like you, I find that the Tarot tells the stories of life. Tells them so well that I have learned not to address the issues that I am not willing to work on. ;-)

There was a point in my late twenties when I was experiencing migrains, so I have an understanding of how they affect our lives. My wish for you is that you walk in good health. :)

Blessings,
Bonnie

[TarotMoon]

Thank you for the health wishes, Bonnie :) Yes, I agree - I wait to do tarot readings on my own "stuff" until I'm really ready!